"one of the meanest and the cleanest, and still i'm kinda fiendish when i'm at this.." - guru, "royalty"

as i was thinkin of names to brand the URL of this page for the longest time, an introspective lyric from an old track of mine came back to me randomly.. "and maybe i'm jus foolish and vain - with truth as my game - i'm crazy, but its too late to change.."

though one of my stronger lines in the verse, and perhaps one of the defining moments of the album, that line on its own only lives to tell a part of the story.. the song, titled "All I Want," comes off of my second full-length album "Surfacing" (June, 2005 - link) and perhaps is an apt embodiment of the tone of this entire column..

it is my life philosophy that i, and only i, can set out to seek my own destiny, hopefully learning along the way to not make the same mistake twice.. on the song, i touch on all of the things i want in life.. and though written while i was seventeen, the tone of the piece is as far from immature as i can probably ever get..

i explain my dreams, my fears, my sacrifices, and my insights in the first verse before delving into a painfully blunt apology in the form of a chorus.. a chorus half-devoted to communicating self-awareness of my faults and half-devoted to begging acceptance of my loving, but difficult parents.. in the second verse, i explain that my words and my music are what i use to express myself - to wake the rest of the world up to what i've experienced and seen - before concluding with the confident humour of "so don't be alarmed, coz i'm not arrogant or cocky - i just know what i want.."

that album was my introduction to the big stage, then-relatively speaking.. now, over three and a half years later, i realize that just about everything in my life has changed except for me..

i still want all of those things, all of those dreams. i still want to have a daughter to love, and i still want to do good through my art.

at age 17 i knew what i know now about myself.. the only difference is that sometime in these past three and a half years of loving/hurting/growing/changing i realized that knowing myself was only half the battle, and that how i apply myself to my life still depends on my everyday thoughts and actions..

which brings me to the actual title of this blog: "the heart of the matter vs. discipline.."

the first part of that came to me upon hearing a song by India Arie (yea, i was surprised too) by the same title.. that song spoke of forgiveness - a trait i constantly work to incorporate into my repertoire - and stressed the importance of togetherness.. now, as fortunate as i've been to have had the talents i've had (and arguably still have) and as blessed as i've been to have had encountered so many inspirational individuals, forgiveness is a quality i've yet to master..

tying into the second part of the title, "discipline" is the other characteristic paramount to my success.. as a naturally-quick learner, i've never not been able to do anything i wanted to do, which led to my over-dependency on ability while often neglecting aspects of the execution..

since the summer, i've written that phrase - each part pitted together in an ironic summation of my personal goals - everywhere my thoughts would land.. on looseleaf pieces of paper i wrote my essays on, on the backs of contracts - even on the end of my MSN display names..

and so it is, at the conclusion of my first entry "back" writing after a two-year hiatus.. i wanted to keep it simple, short and sweet, and i ended up writing more than anything i wrote in high school.. i concede that some of my motivation for wanting to write this column stem from merely wanting an opportunity to write on a daily basis again prior to commencing on the meat of my booooook (shhhh..), but i hope i've still got the juice to inspire and the audience to appreciate - 2007 should be a fun year..