Surviving the Times // 04.22.08 Update

i've witnessed a lotta strange things, but yesterday has got to be up there.. day started off great, had a productive five hours before i went for lunch, then i had the chance to relax for once and i took it.. that's when the figurative bombs dropped on me.. i saw the first one coming, and i'd been getting ready to embrace that one for months.. the 2nd one, though, left me shocked, dismayed, hurt, worried, confused and just about every other emotion possible..

i mean, dealing with disappointment comes with the territory, but it jus becomes a little different once you love someone though, and i guess there, the onus is squarely on me.. its hard to believe that someone i used to know and care about turned to something that low after everything but, i can't say there weren't warning signs..

and, to be honest, i'm still a little numb from the shock.. but i've long accepted that this is the end of the road, and at the end of the day, people have minds of their own - if they choose to degrade themselves & compromise their self-respect for money, that's a choice i have no say in, regardless of how i feel..

now that the dust has settled, it's my turn to deal - i still hold all the aces.

11:57am, a day in the life..

______________________________________

"Focus, take care of your brothers, n*ggas do as I do
Keep your enemies close, where they can see you
It not your enemy who get's you
It's always your own people"

- Nas, "In Between Us"

this is probably up there in terms of favourite rap songs ever (coz i like everyone's contribution on it, from Scarface's verse to the haunting hook to, obviously, the Nas' opening verse), and it's a fitting selection as I've been on a 90s rap thing since i woke up with a Nas/AZ playlist.. Nas' verse on this song always gets me hyped, coz it sounds like some shit the overly-aggressive 16-yr old me woulda said in a similar situation, haha.

Verse 1 [Nas]

Circumstances are like my first fight I lost
It was swinging, my arms bugging, adrenaline pumping
Oh shit, this little n*gga's thuggin'
I mean, I was thirteen
I was nursing a knot on my face
But chose another time and a place
That I would avenge my last fight cuz the same shit
Ain't gonna happen that just happen last night
Knuckle-game changed quicker than lighting
Hit 'em or slice 'em
Either stick 'em or blast pipes, its the fastlife
I tried to give another n*gga' advice, shoot dice
Do plenty of shit cuz this life, how many you get?
How many n*ggas do you know get two
Besides a n*gga who snitch to skip a life-bid
Be one in your crew
I don't respect killers, I respect O.G. knowledge
Codes of the streets got new rules, but no guidance
Lessons, catch detremental to a young disciple
Focus, take care of your brothers, n*ggas do as I do
Keep your enemies close, where they can see you
It not your enemy who get's you
It's always your own people
It's always your own people
It's always your own people
It's always your own people
It's always your own people

Chorus [T-Boz]

Mass confusion, in my head
Killing me, driving me mad
Got me wonderin, can I trust my friends?
Will they stick me in my back every chance they get?
Am I paranoid? and if that's the case
Is it curable? Can you help me find my ways?
I can't handle this, I'm losing it
With a loose grip I'm hangin' on to emptiness
Help your brother, save him from the
Evil demons, in between us, came between us

Verse 2 [Scarface]

I know you hate me, don't you?
I bet you sit and wish my time never came
You probably rather see me die in the game
You probably rather see me die in a plane
Then to see me up ontop of my game
I get my money shit changed
And n*ggas start looking at me different than this
and downplay the real n*gga shit to get with a bitch
But I'ma tell a motherfucker like this
You only good as what you come up against
n*gga you get what you get
So the grass is greener on the other side of the fence
But any attempts and you gonna need the guy in the trench
I'ma starter while you riding the bench
You saying you a playa, well I'm the one designing your prints
Something to go by, to let these n*ggas know I
Don't believe in letting shit slide, n*gga gonna die
Best friends since high school seniors
The homeboys were meaner, they let the bullshit come between us

Chorus x2

Its gutter, and I spell it with the 'G' I stole from "get-the-f*ck-up" // 04.20.08 Update

when i sat down to write this entry, the first thing that popped into my head was "wow, i've been up to a LOT lately" - then i realized, when is this ever not the case? we've had some amazing weather in Toronto since Friday (almost time for the beach?! yessssssss!) and everything is continuing to look up.. the Kayce Staff Forums were finally put up again, and we're almost done all of the boring administrative-related groundwork we have to do this year.. after that, it's onto this year's exciting new projects - our first individual feature sites for our top handful of girls as well as a couple of other sites that the other Kayce Models will be contributing to..

i'm off to Vancouver again in less than a month, so again, things will be hectic all the way through to mid-June or so - what can i say? i love my life.. not to mention, it's the 2008 NBA Playoffs and i gotta get my hoops fix or i go a little nutty.. not too much else i want to get into for now, except that we'll be posting more about our recent & upcoming updates as we get into it.. and before i forget, HAPPY 4-20. haha.. i haven't touched it in months and i won't touch it today, but i'm thinking about 90% of my friends in Vancouver will be "enjoyin the fresh air" today.. so.. i'm thinkin bout y'all.. haha.

anyways, i'm pumped right now coz it's time for my workout - i skipped yesterday's because i was way too sore from the previous session.. did core exercises yesterday though, and i think i'm closing in on my goals in general, right in time to head out to the beach =P did i mention i was excited to go to the beach? haha..

random note i'll throw in here while we're on the subject of working out.. i've been asked at least a dozen times in the past few weeks how i've built so much muscle mass & cut down on body fat in such a short period of time.. well, to be honest, i use every single workout as a release from all the things that are usually on mind (work, upcoming plans) and as such, every time i'm struggling with a final rep and my muscles are on the verge of dying, all i really have to do is think about the unpleasantness that was the aftermath of my last relationship and BAM, i get through that exercise.

nothing pushes me harder than pain does.. and while i know most things come easier to me than they do for most others, that only means i need to work even harder to get where i want to be..

i'm used to getting what i want - call me spoiled, call me cocky, or call me lucky: i'm probably all of the above.

12:24pm, a day in the life..

______________________________________

“Life's not a bitch, life is a beotch
who keeps the villagers circling the marketplace
out searching for the G-spot...”
- Aesop Rock, “Night Light”

i'm taking it back today, revisiting one of my favourite songs by quite possibly the most uniquely talented writer in the rap world today.. you probably won't have heard of him, and 90% of you probably won't like his songs because he raps "weird" - or so i've been told.. whatever the case, you can't deny his genius with writing and originality with flow - he speaks his mind, unrestrained, in every song, with a captivating delivery that forces you to pay attention - even if you "don't think its hiphop" or whatever you radio-brainwashed "urban music genre" types are going to say.. can't imagine what i could possibly mean by that? go listen to some of his songs.. Aesop Rock is the dopest. period.

[Aesop Rock]
Night Light suckas..
Put one up shackle me, not clean logic procreation
I did invent the wheel, in a previous generation
While the triple sixers lassos keep angels roped in the basement
I locate my old halos and pass em out to the pavement
Y'all catch a 30-second flash frame
Dirty cooperative Neptune bloom head-trip split
Fantastic! Fathom the splicing of major league low lifes
With anti hero earthworm mentality (Godzilla!)
I paste my game to zero all completion
See a cretin's still a cretin even speakin' altered moniker
American nightmare lost in the monitor
I'll hold the door open so you can stagger through
Then ten berserk and bread cookies in after you
It's gutter and I spell it with the 'G' I stole from "Get the fuck up"
Noise crutch stolen wretched refuse of my teaming dumb luck
Still I promise temperance storm breed still bleeding Amish
See the freaks sucked out the wattage while 3 bears invade the cottage
And I can't sleep now
Yeah, the police'll laugh
You won't be laughing when your covered wagons crash
You won't be laughing when you're hosted by the ghost of Christmas past
You won't be laughing when your blow up doll's
got a headache and won't give up the ass
And I lay my kicks to rest when I'm impressed
So I staple-gun them to my feet
This origami dream is beautiful: pull the tail watch the wings flap
But you really can't do a thing with that

All I ever wanted was to pick apart the day
Swallow up the pieces
Spit 'em at your species
Beached at the city of lost barnacles and leeches
Night-light got me when the daylight went to evening
Night (Light) Day (Light) x8

I'm pretty sure I got a pulse.. plus
We Shimmy cross the centerfold, and our night light engulfed
Just let me keep the crumbs (Please)
With seven deadly stains
To hear the plane to crystal conscious
The results a dead-beat trying to make a dollar off a bomb threat (OK)
Lift me to activism chain activate wild-style Pluto orbit
Set a course then push the button
I swallow spores born by the laws of a morbid glutton
I can spot a drunk battalion by the Charlie Chaplin waddle
Zig zag and zig 'em again before they can pull a badge out
But I lash out
Another thick installment of one night in Gotham like
"Houston we have a problem"
They're buffing the trains the same days the graffiti writers bomb 'em
Who split how many freaks on box cuts of a high road bellow?
Heads ripped! Watch red bricks turn yellow
I'll try to meet the wizard
But a tailgating tin-man holding an oil can
won't let a hermit crab break in his new shell-toes
Life's not a bitch, life is a beotch
who keeps the villagers circling the marketplace
out searching for the G-spot
Maybe she didn't feel y'all shared any similar interests
Or maybe you're just an asshole; maybe I'm just an asshole
Kiss the speaker wire, seaming swashbuckler or pagan thresh hold
Stomach full of diner food
Wings span cast black upon views
Here to help release the rabbit hounds or pick apart your mood
I got this friend of polar nature and it's all peace
When I seek similar stars but can't sit at the same feast
Metal Captain!
This cat is asking if I've seen his bit of lost passion
I told him: "Yeah" I gave him one last smoke and smashed him

All I ever wanted was to pick apart the day
Swallow up the pieces
Spit 'em at your species
Reachin' the city of lost barnacles and leeches
Night-light got me when the daylight went to evening
Night (Light) Day (Light)..

KaycePhotography.com v3.0 - Site Re-Launch!

i remember when nobody sane believed in me,

so i made my own luck, then i changed the scenery..
my pain'll paint a picture, then re-arrange the scripture,
slam the book shut - now every day's a dream to me..

___________________________________

Yesssssss, after weeks of hard work, we've finally wrapped up with our latest site update.. 90+ photosets were transferred from the old Gallery format to the slick new Flash format, including the complete 2006 & 2007 Kayce Photography Model Catalogues as well as an entirely new Featured Models section.. check it out!

For our next major site update taking place this summer, KaycePhotography.com will be launching its online store, along with lots of additional interactive content.. We'll also continue to streamline the site's navigation, adding new Flash menus, etc..

Check it out: http://www.kaycephotography.com/

A Reflection of Growth, in Appreciation // 04.10.08 Update

I've been urged to write this (my "birthday party wrap-up") for a good week or so now by my best friend, but as we know all too well by now, my heart has a mind of its own. When I want to do something, not much is ever really able to stop me from accomplishing it.. and when I don't do something, I guess there's always a good reason - even if I sometimes can't figure out the 'why' myself.. Before we get into that, an update:

Work-wise, we've accomplished a lot in the past two weeks - it feels good to finally see the wheels put in motion after months and months of deliberation & planning of what we are about to do. If this sounds vague to you, it's meant to. (For those involved with our organization, it'll make perfect sense.) But in short - just so I don't paint a picture using a wizard's wand - we've re-organized a lot of things across the board with both Kayce Models & Kayce Photography, staying cognizant of the growth both companies have experienced while maintaining a progressive attitude towards future projects we have in the works. Yep, I was born to be a PR person wasn't I?

All jargon aside, what that means is that the steady stream of accessible Kayce-related content that you've become accustomed to will be back shortly - in a medium bigger and better than ever. The shift you notice in our approach isn't accidental, but we think you'll like it, as it reflects on the growth we've collectively made over the past year or so.

And, now that we're on the topic of growth, I'll ease into the main topic of this entry, and the dominant theme that seems to manifest itself in my thoughts, especially around this time of year.

You see, I'm fascinated with the idea of self-improvement. I believe that being aware of one's self, in all shapes and forms whether conscious or sub-conscious, is one of the most valuable assets an individual can have. And so, since the time I've been 16 or so, I've been fixated on evaluating my personal growth every year around the time of my birthday.

This particular year, I've thought a lot about the choices I make in terms of trusting others, and in terms of the kinds of friends I've chosen to surround myself with. We've all heard the adage that each of us is a mere by-product of what is around us - I'm sure. Well, in my line of work, I come across hundreds (literally) of new potential associates every month, and though the connections vary drastically with each, the underlying motivation behind each of these interactions largely remains the same - individuals recognize me as someone who can help them attain their goals, and in every situation I, and I alone, have to filter out those rare few who possess not only the skills necessary for whatever project we work on together, but also the character I look for in terms of being a successful, trustworthy individual I can invest worthwhile time into. Nothing surprising with this assessment though, I've simply described the real world.

The disturbing aspect of all this starts to creep in when I think about how little I'm truly able to trust even those select few who I've already identified as 'the best of the bunch'. Maybe I'm just a pessimist, but if so, I've been a pessimist since I've been 16, coz I've more or less felt this way about people in general since then. And I've always hated it. Maybe I should've been born a few millennia earlier, in simpler times. Maybe things would've been the same then.

As I've gotten older, I've simply learned to accept disappointment more readily, and to appreciate those precious few who fall on the opposite end of the spectrum - the transcendent individuals who are able to love, and give, with all that they know, simply because they want to - to give, and to love.

It's a realization I've come to gradually, but it really hit me following my first ever birthday party we threw at an intimate lounge last Friday (pictures on my Facebook page: here). I never thought much of the occasion so I never celebrated previously, despite the pressure others have put on me over the years - I simply wanted the opportunity to bring some of my close friends together for a night, if nothing else, just to meet each other. And so, I only told a few people in advance of this party, hoping that they'd be able to make it out.

In the end, a couple girls I've considered family for some time didn't come out. One was too busy with schoolwork, which is somewhat understandable, except for the fact that she knew about this night for some time in advance and could've worked around it if she really wanted to. One girl had a legitimate reason, but one other had an even worse excuse than the first one.

I could end this discussion simply by saying that I was pretty disappointed with two of these girls. But in actuality, I think more positives came from the night than did negatives, as afterwards I couldn't stop thinking about why some of my closest friends have cared about me as much as they have over the years, when others I also regard as equally-close friends obviously don't care as much. I thought about all the stupid things I've done over the years, from the times when I was an abrasive and impulsive high school teen, to some of the lows I've gone through just in the past year, and I thought - why do I have friends that still believe in me so much and seem to support me unconditionally in everything that I do?

The only answer I can come up with is that I've been blessed - I often consider myself the luckiest person in the world when I think about my life, and what I've been through. I might not be religious, but I definitely feel that I've had guardian angels with me throughout my life.. So, as my 22nd birthday nears, this post is written for the special(est) girls of my life whose words are always with me, and whose touch I'll never forget:

None of my 'success' could ever have been possible without each of you. Your impact on my life comes across in the way I carried myself. It comes across in the way I wrote each of my verses in every one of my songs. It comes across in the way I loved, and gave, to those around me. And now, your impact on my life can be seen in these photos, with my newfound smile - (which is still a work in progress, but alcohol helps it seems, haha.) I guess my most recent ex was right after all - I could never stop loving you girls, and I will always love you girls.

After this post, I guess my next girlfriend (in a couple years, haha) is definitely gonna have to be secure with herself eh? =P

8:31am, a day in the life..

______________________________________

“What if life wasn't long, and everybody got just a single moment...”
- Ben's Brother, “God By Another Name”

Today's selection comes from a UK band I came across a couple weeks ago that I've grown fond of over time for a bunch of reasons. At some point I'll def post their single, which has been one of highlights in my recent playlist, but I really appreciate the fact that I don't dislike too many of their songs, which is rare for me. The band's name is derived from the fact that the lead singer, a self-described "beta-male," always felt that he was living in the shadow of his more popular, assertive brother, Ben. A pretty honest admission, if you ask me, and that same frankness also drives the band's art, both lyrically and musically. As you can see, I've highlighted the entire song in bold, and that's because I actually like the entire song lyrically, pretty cool stuff..

What if life wasn't long
And everybody got just a single moment?
If you wasted the moment alone
Spent your while time thinking: "Why should I need love?"
Then look above to the sky and beyond
Cos you don't know what you've got ‘til it's gone, believe me

Everybody needs a lover sometimes
And you were mine
My God by another name
Everybody needs a lover sometimes
And you were mine
My shelter from the rain outside

What if life was a car
And you didn't really know how to start it
Would you sit in your car like a clown
Or get out and walk to the nearest crowded bar?
And kiss a mouth, make it smile and be proud
That at least you had a good time for a while?
Believe me

Everybody needs a lover sometimes
And you were mine
My God by another name
Everybody needs a lover sometimes
And you were mine
My shelter from the rain outside

And if you hold on to me now
And never let go
Then I guess at least we'll know
The sense that it all made, oh

Cos everybody needs a lover sometimes
And you were mine
My God by another name
Everybody needs a lover sometimes
And you were mine
My shelter from the rain outside

But you stayed