No Matter What, Here I Am // 05.11.08 Update

Welps, it's been a few weeks since I've actually had the opportunity to sit down and gather my thoughts for a moment.. It's actually been a strange period, with a ton of things happening, but what else is new right? =)

I guess I'll start with my first ever experience with food poisoning a couple weekends ago - I'm never eating at an unnamed sushi restaurant on Yonge St ever again :/ I ended up in the hospital after getting extremely dizzy/nauseous a few hours after lunch and then being in "acute discomfort" as the doctors wrote, haha. Ended up staying under supervision for just over 30 hours, because apparently bacteria can spread and cause additional problems sometimes - what a thing to tell me eh? Thanks to Lindsay for being there with me the entire time though, I really appreciated it and I'm sorry I probably scared her sh*tless when I fainted in the cab.. haha, sorry girl - you're amazing though.

I basically didn't have energy or an appetite for a few days after leaving the hospital, and I ended up losing 6-8 pounds that week, from the severe dehydration and state of my nervous system I guess.. Oh well, now I can say I've been hospitalized before at least. :/

Aside from that, things have actually been going really well.. After learning bout the things I mentioned in the last post, I expected there to be a ton of fallout and headaches to deal with, but that actually been the case at all.. I even ran into her by chance last night at the club, and I wasn't even angry, which I figured I would be.. Maybe I was just in a good mood then, but I simply confronted her about her actions, and as always, that ruined her day and she had nothing to say so yea haha.. I guess some things never change - I'm just glad I'm past it and that at the end of the day, our team's stronger than ever =)

Won't write too too much else now, coz I'll be writing another entry soon with feedback/photos from our appearance today at Importfest in a day or so - for now, check out the photos from my 2nd 22nd Bday Jam @ Mink w/ Kayce Model Verena Chin also celebrating.. turned out to be a chillin night with the drunks.. i mean the girls =)

3:07am, a day in the life..

to see all the photos from that night, check out my Facebook page..

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"Never have you seen in ya lifetime
A more divine southern rapper with a swag like mine
Facin all kinda time but smile like I'm fine
Brag with such passion and shine without tryin
Believe me, pains a small thing to a giant
I was born without a dime, out the gutter I climbed
Spoke my mind and didn't stutter one time
Ali said even the greatest gotta suffer sometime"

- T.I., "No Matter What"

When news drifted down a few months ago about T.I.'s impending court case dealing with the purchase of illegal weapons, I was pretty crushed coz he was pretty much on top of the game, and I figured the best was yet to come.. Then with house arrest and what looks to be a long jail sentence, I figured his rap career might be over completely - which would be a travesty, as he's probably one of the most polarizing figures we have in the entire scene at this point, on top of being a great lyricist.. So, when a DJ friend sent me this track a couple weeks ago, I nearly sh*t myself in excitement - this track is sick, and he speaks for my current mindstate with this song.. (the hook reminds me of an unreleased track i cut from one of my promo mixtapes back then where i basically say the exact same thing..) without further adieu - the King is back..

Never have you seen in ya lifetime
A more divine southern rapper with a swag like mine
Facin all kinda time but smile like I'm fine
Brag with such passion and shine without tryin
Believe me, pains a small thing to a giant
I was born without a dime, out the gutter I climbed
Spoke my mind and didn't stutter one time
Ali said even the greatest gotta suffer sometime
So I huff and puff rhymes, lyrics so sick with it
Set the standard in Atlanta how to get get get it
So you up and coming rappers wanna diss, just kill it
I'm officially the realest, point blank, period
Whether I still live in the hood or just visit
Whatever you can do in the hood I done did it
That's why the dope boys and the misfits feel it
This still the city long as tip live it, listen

I ain't dead (nah) I ain't done(nah)
I ain't scared(of what), I ain't run(from who)
Still I stand (yeah)
No matter what VA here I am No matter what
I ain't break(never), I ain't fold(never)
They hate me more(so?)
Yeah I know
But there I go
No matter what shortie, here I go
No matter what shortie

You let the blog sites and the magazines tell it
I'm showed to be jail til 2027
Rather see me in the cell then
Instead of this new McLaruen
God will take you through hell, just to get you to heaven
So even tho it's heavy, the load I will carry
Grand is still buried, when is still sharin?
Apologies to the fans, I hope you can understand it
Like a change in direction, even when you ain't planned it
All you can do it handle it, worst thing you can do is panic
Use it to your advantage, avoid insanity matters
To conquer, every obstacle, make impossible possible
Even when winning illogical, losing is still far from optional
Yeah they wanna see you shot up in the hospital
But, one life like punches, block the counter like a boxer do
Been locked inside this casa too long, I did a song
To make it known that the king lives on Pimpin

I ain't dead (nah) I ain't done(nah)
I ain't scared(of what), I ain't run(from who)
Still I stand (yeah)
No matter what VA here I am No matter what
I ain't break(never), I ain't fold(never)
They hate me more(so?)
Yeah I know
But there I go
No matter what shortie, here I go
No matter what shortie

Even the solitude, that still know how to do
I show you how to do, what you do, you ain't gotta clue
All you do is follow dudes, sound like a lotta dudes
I'll weather whatever storm, make it out without a bruise
I understand why, now when my hands tied
They take shots cause if I'm out there it's a landslide
But revenge is best served as a cold dish
And suckas will get served better know this
Guess it was understood, for me it was over with
But I don't quit, if you ain't noticed yet
They couldn't wait to say goodnight shorty
So they can try to rhyme, act and look like shorty
Go get a beat from toomp, and make a hook like shorty
Before ya know it I'm back what it look like shorty
I lost my partner and my daughter in the same year
Somehow I rise above my problems and remain here
Yeah, and I hope the picture painted clear
If your hearts fill with faith then you can't fear
Wonder how I face years and I'm still chillin
Easy, let go and let god deal with it

I ain't dead (nah) I ain't done(nah)
I ain't scared(of what), I ain't run(from who)
Still I stand (yeah)
No matter what VA here I am No matter what
I ain't break(never), I ain't fold(never)
They hate me more(so?)
Yeah I know
But there I go
No matter what shortie, here I go
No matter what shortie

Surviving the Times // 04.22.08 Update

i've witnessed a lotta strange things, but yesterday has got to be up there.. day started off great, had a productive five hours before i went for lunch, then i had the chance to relax for once and i took it.. that's when the figurative bombs dropped on me.. i saw the first one coming, and i'd been getting ready to embrace that one for months.. the 2nd one, though, left me shocked, dismayed, hurt, worried, confused and just about every other emotion possible..

i mean, dealing with disappointment comes with the territory, but it jus becomes a little different once you love someone though, and i guess there, the onus is squarely on me.. its hard to believe that someone i used to know and care about turned to something that low after everything but, i can't say there weren't warning signs..

and, to be honest, i'm still a little numb from the shock.. but i've long accepted that this is the end of the road, and at the end of the day, people have minds of their own - if they choose to degrade themselves & compromise their self-respect for money, that's a choice i have no say in, regardless of how i feel..

now that the dust has settled, it's my turn to deal - i still hold all the aces.

11:57am, a day in the life..

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"Focus, take care of your brothers, n*ggas do as I do
Keep your enemies close, where they can see you
It not your enemy who get's you
It's always your own people"

- Nas, "In Between Us"

this is probably up there in terms of favourite rap songs ever (coz i like everyone's contribution on it, from Scarface's verse to the haunting hook to, obviously, the Nas' opening verse), and it's a fitting selection as I've been on a 90s rap thing since i woke up with a Nas/AZ playlist.. Nas' verse on this song always gets me hyped, coz it sounds like some shit the overly-aggressive 16-yr old me woulda said in a similar situation, haha.

Verse 1 [Nas]

Circumstances are like my first fight I lost
It was swinging, my arms bugging, adrenaline pumping
Oh shit, this little n*gga's thuggin'
I mean, I was thirteen
I was nursing a knot on my face
But chose another time and a place
That I would avenge my last fight cuz the same shit
Ain't gonna happen that just happen last night
Knuckle-game changed quicker than lighting
Hit 'em or slice 'em
Either stick 'em or blast pipes, its the fastlife
I tried to give another n*gga' advice, shoot dice
Do plenty of shit cuz this life, how many you get?
How many n*ggas do you know get two
Besides a n*gga who snitch to skip a life-bid
Be one in your crew
I don't respect killers, I respect O.G. knowledge
Codes of the streets got new rules, but no guidance
Lessons, catch detremental to a young disciple
Focus, take care of your brothers, n*ggas do as I do
Keep your enemies close, where they can see you
It not your enemy who get's you
It's always your own people
It's always your own people
It's always your own people
It's always your own people
It's always your own people

Chorus [T-Boz]

Mass confusion, in my head
Killing me, driving me mad
Got me wonderin, can I trust my friends?
Will they stick me in my back every chance they get?
Am I paranoid? and if that's the case
Is it curable? Can you help me find my ways?
I can't handle this, I'm losing it
With a loose grip I'm hangin' on to emptiness
Help your brother, save him from the
Evil demons, in between us, came between us

Verse 2 [Scarface]

I know you hate me, don't you?
I bet you sit and wish my time never came
You probably rather see me die in the game
You probably rather see me die in a plane
Then to see me up ontop of my game
I get my money shit changed
And n*ggas start looking at me different than this
and downplay the real n*gga shit to get with a bitch
But I'ma tell a motherfucker like this
You only good as what you come up against
n*gga you get what you get
So the grass is greener on the other side of the fence
But any attempts and you gonna need the guy in the trench
I'ma starter while you riding the bench
You saying you a playa, well I'm the one designing your prints
Something to go by, to let these n*ggas know I
Don't believe in letting shit slide, n*gga gonna die
Best friends since high school seniors
The homeboys were meaner, they let the bullshit come between us

Chorus x2

Its gutter, and I spell it with the 'G' I stole from "get-the-f*ck-up" // 04.20.08 Update

when i sat down to write this entry, the first thing that popped into my head was "wow, i've been up to a LOT lately" - then i realized, when is this ever not the case? we've had some amazing weather in Toronto since Friday (almost time for the beach?! yessssssss!) and everything is continuing to look up.. the Kayce Staff Forums were finally put up again, and we're almost done all of the boring administrative-related groundwork we have to do this year.. after that, it's onto this year's exciting new projects - our first individual feature sites for our top handful of girls as well as a couple of other sites that the other Kayce Models will be contributing to..

i'm off to Vancouver again in less than a month, so again, things will be hectic all the way through to mid-June or so - what can i say? i love my life.. not to mention, it's the 2008 NBA Playoffs and i gotta get my hoops fix or i go a little nutty.. not too much else i want to get into for now, except that we'll be posting more about our recent & upcoming updates as we get into it.. and before i forget, HAPPY 4-20. haha.. i haven't touched it in months and i won't touch it today, but i'm thinking about 90% of my friends in Vancouver will be "enjoyin the fresh air" today.. so.. i'm thinkin bout y'all.. haha.

anyways, i'm pumped right now coz it's time for my workout - i skipped yesterday's because i was way too sore from the previous session.. did core exercises yesterday though, and i think i'm closing in on my goals in general, right in time to head out to the beach =P did i mention i was excited to go to the beach? haha..

random note i'll throw in here while we're on the subject of working out.. i've been asked at least a dozen times in the past few weeks how i've built so much muscle mass & cut down on body fat in such a short period of time.. well, to be honest, i use every single workout as a release from all the things that are usually on mind (work, upcoming plans) and as such, every time i'm struggling with a final rep and my muscles are on the verge of dying, all i really have to do is think about the unpleasantness that was the aftermath of my last relationship and BAM, i get through that exercise.

nothing pushes me harder than pain does.. and while i know most things come easier to me than they do for most others, that only means i need to work even harder to get where i want to be..

i'm used to getting what i want - call me spoiled, call me cocky, or call me lucky: i'm probably all of the above.

12:24pm, a day in the life..

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“Life's not a bitch, life is a beotch
who keeps the villagers circling the marketplace
out searching for the G-spot...”
- Aesop Rock, “Night Light”

i'm taking it back today, revisiting one of my favourite songs by quite possibly the most uniquely talented writer in the rap world today.. you probably won't have heard of him, and 90% of you probably won't like his songs because he raps "weird" - or so i've been told.. whatever the case, you can't deny his genius with writing and originality with flow - he speaks his mind, unrestrained, in every song, with a captivating delivery that forces you to pay attention - even if you "don't think its hiphop" or whatever you radio-brainwashed "urban music genre" types are going to say.. can't imagine what i could possibly mean by that? go listen to some of his songs.. Aesop Rock is the dopest. period.

[Aesop Rock]
Night Light suckas..
Put one up shackle me, not clean logic procreation
I did invent the wheel, in a previous generation
While the triple sixers lassos keep angels roped in the basement
I locate my old halos and pass em out to the pavement
Y'all catch a 30-second flash frame
Dirty cooperative Neptune bloom head-trip split
Fantastic! Fathom the splicing of major league low lifes
With anti hero earthworm mentality (Godzilla!)
I paste my game to zero all completion
See a cretin's still a cretin even speakin' altered moniker
American nightmare lost in the monitor
I'll hold the door open so you can stagger through
Then ten berserk and bread cookies in after you
It's gutter and I spell it with the 'G' I stole from "Get the fuck up"
Noise crutch stolen wretched refuse of my teaming dumb luck
Still I promise temperance storm breed still bleeding Amish
See the freaks sucked out the wattage while 3 bears invade the cottage
And I can't sleep now
Yeah, the police'll laugh
You won't be laughing when your covered wagons crash
You won't be laughing when you're hosted by the ghost of Christmas past
You won't be laughing when your blow up doll's
got a headache and won't give up the ass
And I lay my kicks to rest when I'm impressed
So I staple-gun them to my feet
This origami dream is beautiful: pull the tail watch the wings flap
But you really can't do a thing with that

All I ever wanted was to pick apart the day
Swallow up the pieces
Spit 'em at your species
Beached at the city of lost barnacles and leeches
Night-light got me when the daylight went to evening
Night (Light) Day (Light) x8

I'm pretty sure I got a pulse.. plus
We Shimmy cross the centerfold, and our night light engulfed
Just let me keep the crumbs (Please)
With seven deadly stains
To hear the plane to crystal conscious
The results a dead-beat trying to make a dollar off a bomb threat (OK)
Lift me to activism chain activate wild-style Pluto orbit
Set a course then push the button
I swallow spores born by the laws of a morbid glutton
I can spot a drunk battalion by the Charlie Chaplin waddle
Zig zag and zig 'em again before they can pull a badge out
But I lash out
Another thick installment of one night in Gotham like
"Houston we have a problem"
They're buffing the trains the same days the graffiti writers bomb 'em
Who split how many freaks on box cuts of a high road bellow?
Heads ripped! Watch red bricks turn yellow
I'll try to meet the wizard
But a tailgating tin-man holding an oil can
won't let a hermit crab break in his new shell-toes
Life's not a bitch, life is a beotch
who keeps the villagers circling the marketplace
out searching for the G-spot
Maybe she didn't feel y'all shared any similar interests
Or maybe you're just an asshole; maybe I'm just an asshole
Kiss the speaker wire, seaming swashbuckler or pagan thresh hold
Stomach full of diner food
Wings span cast black upon views
Here to help release the rabbit hounds or pick apart your mood
I got this friend of polar nature and it's all peace
When I seek similar stars but can't sit at the same feast
Metal Captain!
This cat is asking if I've seen his bit of lost passion
I told him: "Yeah" I gave him one last smoke and smashed him

All I ever wanted was to pick apart the day
Swallow up the pieces
Spit 'em at your species
Reachin' the city of lost barnacles and leeches
Night-light got me when the daylight went to evening
Night (Light) Day (Light)..

A Reflection of Growth, in Appreciation // 04.10.08 Update

I've been urged to write this (my "birthday party wrap-up") for a good week or so now by my best friend, but as we know all too well by now, my heart has a mind of its own. When I want to do something, not much is ever really able to stop me from accomplishing it.. and when I don't do something, I guess there's always a good reason - even if I sometimes can't figure out the 'why' myself.. Before we get into that, an update:

Work-wise, we've accomplished a lot in the past two weeks - it feels good to finally see the wheels put in motion after months and months of deliberation & planning of what we are about to do. If this sounds vague to you, it's meant to. (For those involved with our organization, it'll make perfect sense.) But in short - just so I don't paint a picture using a wizard's wand - we've re-organized a lot of things across the board with both Kayce Models & Kayce Photography, staying cognizant of the growth both companies have experienced while maintaining a progressive attitude towards future projects we have in the works. Yep, I was born to be a PR person wasn't I?

All jargon aside, what that means is that the steady stream of accessible Kayce-related content that you've become accustomed to will be back shortly - in a medium bigger and better than ever. The shift you notice in our approach isn't accidental, but we think you'll like it, as it reflects on the growth we've collectively made over the past year or so.

And, now that we're on the topic of growth, I'll ease into the main topic of this entry, and the dominant theme that seems to manifest itself in my thoughts, especially around this time of year.

You see, I'm fascinated with the idea of self-improvement. I believe that being aware of one's self, in all shapes and forms whether conscious or sub-conscious, is one of the most valuable assets an individual can have. And so, since the time I've been 16 or so, I've been fixated on evaluating my personal growth every year around the time of my birthday.

This particular year, I've thought a lot about the choices I make in terms of trusting others, and in terms of the kinds of friends I've chosen to surround myself with. We've all heard the adage that each of us is a mere by-product of what is around us - I'm sure. Well, in my line of work, I come across hundreds (literally) of new potential associates every month, and though the connections vary drastically with each, the underlying motivation behind each of these interactions largely remains the same - individuals recognize me as someone who can help them attain their goals, and in every situation I, and I alone, have to filter out those rare few who possess not only the skills necessary for whatever project we work on together, but also the character I look for in terms of being a successful, trustworthy individual I can invest worthwhile time into. Nothing surprising with this assessment though, I've simply described the real world.

The disturbing aspect of all this starts to creep in when I think about how little I'm truly able to trust even those select few who I've already identified as 'the best of the bunch'. Maybe I'm just a pessimist, but if so, I've been a pessimist since I've been 16, coz I've more or less felt this way about people in general since then. And I've always hated it. Maybe I should've been born a few millennia earlier, in simpler times. Maybe things would've been the same then.

As I've gotten older, I've simply learned to accept disappointment more readily, and to appreciate those precious few who fall on the opposite end of the spectrum - the transcendent individuals who are able to love, and give, with all that they know, simply because they want to - to give, and to love.

It's a realization I've come to gradually, but it really hit me following my first ever birthday party we threw at an intimate lounge last Friday (pictures on my Facebook page: here). I never thought much of the occasion so I never celebrated previously, despite the pressure others have put on me over the years - I simply wanted the opportunity to bring some of my close friends together for a night, if nothing else, just to meet each other. And so, I only told a few people in advance of this party, hoping that they'd be able to make it out.

In the end, a couple girls I've considered family for some time didn't come out. One was too busy with schoolwork, which is somewhat understandable, except for the fact that she knew about this night for some time in advance and could've worked around it if she really wanted to. One girl had a legitimate reason, but one other had an even worse excuse than the first one.

I could end this discussion simply by saying that I was pretty disappointed with two of these girls. But in actuality, I think more positives came from the night than did negatives, as afterwards I couldn't stop thinking about why some of my closest friends have cared about me as much as they have over the years, when others I also regard as equally-close friends obviously don't care as much. I thought about all the stupid things I've done over the years, from the times when I was an abrasive and impulsive high school teen, to some of the lows I've gone through just in the past year, and I thought - why do I have friends that still believe in me so much and seem to support me unconditionally in everything that I do?

The only answer I can come up with is that I've been blessed - I often consider myself the luckiest person in the world when I think about my life, and what I've been through. I might not be religious, but I definitely feel that I've had guardian angels with me throughout my life.. So, as my 22nd birthday nears, this post is written for the special(est) girls of my life whose words are always with me, and whose touch I'll never forget:

None of my 'success' could ever have been possible without each of you. Your impact on my life comes across in the way I carried myself. It comes across in the way I wrote each of my verses in every one of my songs. It comes across in the way I loved, and gave, to those around me. And now, your impact on my life can be seen in these photos, with my newfound smile - (which is still a work in progress, but alcohol helps it seems, haha.) I guess my most recent ex was right after all - I could never stop loving you girls, and I will always love you girls.

After this post, I guess my next girlfriend (in a couple years, haha) is definitely gonna have to be secure with herself eh? =P

8:31am, a day in the life..

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“What if life wasn't long, and everybody got just a single moment...”
- Ben's Brother, “God By Another Name”

Today's selection comes from a UK band I came across a couple weeks ago that I've grown fond of over time for a bunch of reasons. At some point I'll def post their single, which has been one of highlights in my recent playlist, but I really appreciate the fact that I don't dislike too many of their songs, which is rare for me. The band's name is derived from the fact that the lead singer, a self-described "beta-male," always felt that he was living in the shadow of his more popular, assertive brother, Ben. A pretty honest admission, if you ask me, and that same frankness also drives the band's art, both lyrically and musically. As you can see, I've highlighted the entire song in bold, and that's because I actually like the entire song lyrically, pretty cool stuff..

What if life wasn't long
And everybody got just a single moment?
If you wasted the moment alone
Spent your while time thinking: "Why should I need love?"
Then look above to the sky and beyond
Cos you don't know what you've got ‘til it's gone, believe me

Everybody needs a lover sometimes
And you were mine
My God by another name
Everybody needs a lover sometimes
And you were mine
My shelter from the rain outside

What if life was a car
And you didn't really know how to start it
Would you sit in your car like a clown
Or get out and walk to the nearest crowded bar?
And kiss a mouth, make it smile and be proud
That at least you had a good time for a while?
Believe me

Everybody needs a lover sometimes
And you were mine
My God by another name
Everybody needs a lover sometimes
And you were mine
My shelter from the rain outside

And if you hold on to me now
And never let go
Then I guess at least we'll know
The sense that it all made, oh

Cos everybody needs a lover sometimes
And you were mine
My God by another name
Everybody needs a lover sometimes
And you were mine
My shelter from the rain outside

But you stayed

"Then something unusual, something strange, comes from nothing at all" - Damien Rice, "Amie"

its been a chillin week.. been up to a bunch of things, that i may or may not write about later on when i have more time.. for now i'll jus say that i've been in a good mood, and that i've been smiling lots lately.. feels like a personal change thats taken place subconsciously, but i can't really explain it so i'll leave it as it is - a positive thing..

will update everyone with details for my first ever (and i mean ever) birthday jam coming in early april.. for now, back to cleaning my place - fam's in town..

11:56am, a day in the life..

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"Tell it like you still believe - that the end of the century brings a change for you and me"
- Damien Rice, "Amie"

gotta make it clear before i post these lyrics.. but this isn't for anyone i know (specifically the girl that works with me and another girl that modeled for me in the past with the same/similar name) - i jus like this song a lot =) not too much to say except that i really appreciate the unique quality/character behind Damien Rice's voice, and that the classical instrumentation (violins usually) is a fresh musical perspective to what we (consumers) usually get these days from the cookie-cut formula-produced "artists" that otherwise dominate the market.

Then something unusual something strange
comes from nothing at all

I saw a spaceship fly by your window
did you see it disappear?

Amie come sit on my wall and read me the story of Of O
Tell it like you still believe that the end of the century brings a change for you and me

Nothing unusual nothing's changed
Just a little older that's all

You know when you've found it there's something I've learned
'cause you feel it when they take it away hey hey

Then something unusual something strange
comes from nothing at all

But I'm not a miracle and you're not a saint
just another soldier on a road to nowhere

Amie come sit on my wall and read me the story of O
tell it like you still believe that the end of the century
brings a change for you and me

Amie come sit on my wall and read me the story of o
tell it like you still believe that the end of the century
brings a change for you and me

"I wanna put my fingers thru your hair, wrap me up in your legs.." - J Holiday, "Bed"

as another crazy/eventful weekend passes, it can only mean one thing - another hectic week is beginning.. gotta say, getting everything in place for the car show took a lot out of me given the mood/frame of mind i was in last week.. and considering how sleep deprived i was, i def have to say i'm happy with everything i was able to do this weekend.. i could sit here and talk about the various last minute "surprises" sprung on me last week, but a big part of the life i lead is about being able to make adjustments on the fly and thriving under difficult situations, so that's that.

Darknights at Performance World was a bit slower/quieter than i had expected, but it turned into quite the memorable weekend nevertheless.. aside from giving our girls a chance to shine in a high-traffic forum like a car show, this weekend was important in the sense that i was also able to evaluate some of the new talent we've recently added to the team.. i was definitely happy to see some of the girls step up in a big way and rep it right, despite whatever distractions and difficulties they faced also.. not really any surprises in terms of how i expected each of the girls to perform and interact with one another, so that makes this a great building block that i can lean on, moving forward with the various other projects/events we have for the future..

other things that added to the weekend? being able to be a part of the solidarity that each of us who knew Ming needed, and being able to count on a close friend jus to make that happen. jus as it was when i first heard the news, it was unreal to see someone so young and universally respected pass like that (figuratively as well as literally, when the casket passed and was lowered) unfairly, but i think seeing the number of people from different walks of life who cared about him come out and celebrate/remember Ming's life gives us strength to move forward, as he would've wanted us to.

certain things stood out from the weekend.. i remember Saturday being a beautiful, sunny day, the cemetery a surreal, serene snow-covered scene seemingly shielded from the rest of the world, bearing no visible scars.. i remember drifting in and out of lucid consciousness in the car ride back to the car show, with various thoughts and emotions racing through my head as i talked with my friend.. looking back, i was glad that she was the one who had accompanied me, and frankly, i was thankful to get back into the alternate reality that is the confines of a busy day at a car show..

thinking back, i realize that the past week probably affected how i handled certain things differently this weekend as well.. i first pointed it out to some of my girls as we were heading to the car show on Friday: i actually felt completely calm and relaxed, whereas leading up to the opening of a big show i ordinarily would've probably been overly preoccupied with thinking about what i wanted to achieve that weekend and about how i was going to go about doing it.. well, def wasn't the case for this show. i still had predefined goals for both myself and my girls, and i definitely had plans in place in terms of how we were going to collectively achieve those goals for this show, i just wasn't really worried about any of it. i distinctly remember thinking to myself, "whatever happens, i'll deal with accordingly - and we'll make the most of it nonetheless."

that same mindset probably impacted my decision to go out to be Metro on Friday and State Theatre on Saturday despite the complaints of my body telling me that i needed to sleep.. i ended up drinking so much (trust me, most of you who are reading this would've puked your brains out if you drank the same amount of hard liquor straight) on Friday that i actually felt tipsy (for a while at least) and really enjoyed myself at the disgustingly under-ventilated club.. speaking of which, State was an absolute sweat-bath made worse by the fact that i was even more exhausted than the night before.. needless to say, i still accomplished everything i wanted to on both nights and then completely passed out when i got home, on both nights, haha.. photos from these nights will be posted on my Facebook.. at some point, at least..

funny thing: when i was about to write this post, i told myself that i probably shouldn't delve too much back into the subject that was predominantly on my mind last week, and that this post was going to be strictly about the weekend.. instead, i ended up realizing (once again) that a lot of what transpired this past weekend was a direct result of my experiences, or how i used my experiences to shape me for the better..

so on that note, i'd say that each and every one of us needs a reminder from time to time, whether literal or in the form of something that takes place around us, to stay grounded and focused in our journeys to where we want to be.. a few months ago, i would've shaken my head at and been disappointed by some things done by misled individuals around me, because i'd care about them despite their flaws, and i'd wish that they could think for themselves. today though, as i saw yet another indignantly immature display of misconstrued superiority in the form of yet another self-righteous Facebook note from a girl i used to have high hopes for, i just smiled sadly and hoped that for her sake she could figure it out someday and climb off her self-built pedestal in order to see things for what they really are, for once.

might seem callous, but it makes life too complicated when you start worrying about the livelihoods of individuals who don't care about their own lives and the impact that their lives have on others - i've known what my purpose on this earth was since about the time i was 16, and my work is far from done so, without further adieu...

5:01pm, a day in the life..

______________________________________

"Love is war - I'm your soldier, touching you like it's our first time"
- J Holiday, "Bed"

yesterday (Sunday), as i was finally coming home from the car show, this song randomly popped into my head and i eventually ended up singing it quietly as i walked into my condo with a smile.. def one of my favourite songs, but on that particular day, it invoked a special mood in me and i couldn't get it out of my head.. today, i woke up still in that same, warm mood without having a clue as to who or what had brought on this change in me. none of the explanations i've thought about today really makes sense, and several hours later, this song is still on repeat so instead of trying to explain how i feel right now, i decided to just share it =)

Girl, change into that Victoria Secret thing that I like
Alright
Ok, tonight your having me your way
Perfume, spray it there
Put our love in the air
Now put me right next to you
Fittin to raise the temp in the room
First rub my back like you do
Right there, uh-uh, right there uh
You touch me like you care
Now Stop
And let me repay you for the week that you've been thru
Working that 9-5 and staying cute, like you do
oh, oh, oh

I love it (I love it)
You love it (You love it)
Everytime (Everytime)
We touchin (We touchin)
I want it (I want it)
You want it (You want it)
I'll see you (see you)
In the morning (In the morning)

I wanna put my fingers thru your hair
Wrap me up in your legs
And love you till your eyes roll back
I'm tryin to put you to bed, bed, bed
I'mma put you to bed, bed, bed
Then I'ma rock your body
Turn you over
Love is war
I'm your soldier
Touching you like it's our first time
I'mma put you to bed, bed, bed
I'ma put you to bed, bed, bed

I'm staring at you while your sleep
Irreplaceable beauty
Put my face up in your neck and breathe (aww, breathe)
Take you into my senses
Wake up, it's time to finish
Round two, It's round two
Matter of fact it's closer the three
She like, "how long I been sleep?"
Shorty, kisses turn into the sweetest dreams
Like give it to me
And I can feel her tell me
My angel this is wonderful
Thanks, for letting me bless ya
Come down, fly, right, drift back into heaven
Oh, Oh, Oh, Oh

I love it (I love it)
You love it (You love it)
Everytime (Everytime)
We touchin (We touchin)
I want it (I want it)
You want it (You want it)
I'll see you (see you)
In the morning (In the morning)

I wanna put my fingers thru your hair
Wrap me up in your legs
And love you till your eyes roll back
I'm tryin to put you to bed, bed, bed
I'mma put you to bed, bed, bed
Then I'ma rock your body
Turn you over
Love is war
I'm your soldier
Touching you like it's our first time
I'mma put you to bed, bed, bed
I'ma put you to bed, bed, bed

[Bridge:]
Watch the sunlight peak over the horizons
Ou-Ou, Ou-Ou, Ou-Ou, Ou-Ou
Sun ain't the only thing that's shining
Ou-Ou, Ou-Ou, Ou-Ou, Ou-Ou
Now, I'mma send you out into the world with my love
Tell everybody aye, aye, aye [x10]

I wanna put my fingers thru your hair
Wrap me up in your legs
And love you till your eyes roll back
I'm tryin to put you to bed, bed, bed
I'mma put you to bed, bed, bed
Then I'ma rock your body
Turn you over
Love is war
I'm your soldier
Touching you like it's our first time
I'mma put you to bed, bed, bed
I'ma put you to bed, bed, bed

[Bridge:]
Watch the sunlight peak over the horizons
Ou-Ou, Ou-Ou, Ou-Ou, Ou-Ou
Sun ain't the only thing that's shining
Ou-Ou, Ou-Ou, Ou-Ou, Ou-Ou
Now, I'mma send you out into the world with my love
Tell everybody aye, aye, aye [x10]

A Day in the Life: Can't Forget About You - A Tribute to Ming Shin

my manager and i had an interesting conversation last night, so as a i take a quick break from my work, i'll share what she teased me (jokingly) about. she said that if she didn't know any better, she would've sworn that i'd gotten soft. yes, soft, from the music i've been listening to lately and the boundless appreciation i've shown for others' music instead of dedicating that same heart into my own. soft, as the gritty chaos of my free-spirit had been absent in my recent writings.. i laughed it off, because i know she's got nothing but love for me and that anytime she throws barbs out there like that, its only to spurn me towards a specific end that she wants me to realize.. well, she succeeded and i'll speak on it.

simply put, i'm looking for new challenges nowadays. everything i already know comes so fucking easy for me - i'm just dying to touch something i haven't felt before, if only to feel the electric uncertainty around each of its edges, crevasses and surfaces. i don't always like the answers, but to each of my questions, i know the variables i control and the results that will follow. i'm not really bored with my work, but time passes too slowly for me and there are always bigger goals in mind.. some of it comes from being a quick learner by nature, but some of it also stems from the recollection of difficult experiences i've gone through in the past year as well as some more-recent developments..

i don't think i'm special, by any stretch of the imagination, in feeling this way because i'm sure all of us have experienced this kind of restlessness in our darker moments. what i do think is different about me though is the fact that i actually relish these times of spiritual unrest brought on by self-reflection, and that i'm not afraid of acting on my many visions, in any way.. i exist only as the outlet of my inspirations, and i won't apologize for the ruthless determination with which i drive down the roads i choose.

if music sits as the singular pulse dominating my body of work, then hiphop still exists as the relentless passion that beats at the heart of my life's opus.. i grew up listening to nothing but hiphop, and many of my life lessons came as quotables from hiphop's leading teachers.. just how complete is my marriage with this art? even when i write and speak today, two years removed from my last full-length album release, my words still ring naturally with the cadence and rhyme signed in the language of America's most representative and iconic culture: hiphop.. to repeat the words uttered by countless musical luminaries and poets before me - i am hiphop.

that being said, i've grown over the years, just as hiphop has grown over the years. and, i'll only continue to grow in the coming years, just as hiphop continues to grow. i will say that i truly love (and i know love is a strong word) a wide range of music now, and i see that as a beautiful thing. i don't think being a child of hiphop music and being a music aficionado are mutually exclusive in any sense.. i believe that appreciating all forms of music allows me to continue growing as an artist, and in time it'll only serve to help me better represent the music in me the purest way i know how - through hiphop.

a while ago you said you wanted to hear my personal growth in my music, so i gave you the frankest representation of the man i've become in the "No One" Remix i did overnight. you said you were curious to see if the freedom still lived in words, borne of my soul.. my answer: i could never hide from who i am, and i could never turn away from what i already know - even if my experiences lead me to crossroads at times, i'd only continue growing, as a man as well as as an artist.

9:59am, a day in the life..

______________________________________

"I don't want to bring up the greater times, but i'm a dreamer - nostalgic, with the state of mind.."
- Nas, "Can't Forget About You"

today's selection comes in the memory of one of my respected colleagues and friends, Ming Shin, who passed away last weekend.. he was also an avid hiphop lover and someone who's relationship with hiphop was just as personal and intimate as mine i'm sure.. "Can't Forget About You" is one of Nas ' best-written songs over his illustrious career, and is (in my humble opinion) the song that completed his "comeback" to modern relevance and also removed any remaining doubt as to whether or not his fabled position in hiphop's annals was deserved.. the track is packed with golden-age references, with fragrant realizations only possible of an individual completely at peace with his accomplishments subtly strewn in over a beautifully soulful instrumental.. i have a feeling that in listening to this track, he'd have his eyes closed with a smile on his face.

Ming, i'm proud to say that i had the fortune of knowing you, and that i had a chance to see firsthand the influence you had on all of those around you, simply from the way you conducted yourself and enjoyed your life. i wish i had a chance to let you know in person just how much i respected you, but i know that each and every one of us is proud of you. i'm glad that your struggle is now over; you'll be able to watch over us now from a better place - rest in peace brother, you've graced us with your presence and you continue to live on through us.

Nas
"Can't Forget About You"

There comes a day in your life
When you want to kick back
Straw hat on the porch
When you old perhaps
Want to gather your thoughts
Have a cold one, Brag
To your grand kids on how life is golden
So I’ma light a cigar in the corridor of the crib
Pictures on the wall of all the things that I did
All the money and fame, 8 by 10’s
Of the whole rap pack inside of a big frame
Colliding with big names that could’ve made you career stop
All that, and your man is still here, and I’m still hot
Wow, I need a moment ya’ll, See I almost felt a tear drop

When was the last time you heard real anthem?
Nas, the millionaire, the mansion
When was the last time you heard your boy Nas rhyme?
Never on schedule, but always on time.

[Chorus- Chrisette Michele]
These streets hold my deepest days
This hood taught me golden ways
Made me (truly this is what made me)
Break me (not a things gonna break me)
These streets hold my deepest days
This hood taught me golden ways
Made me (truly this is what made me)
Break me (not a things gonna break me)
Oh, I’m that history, I’m that block
I’m that lifestyle, I’m that that spot
I’m that kid by the number spot
That’s my past that made me hot
Here’s my lifelong anthem
Can’t forget about you (Can’t forget about you)

[Verse Two]

Can’t forget about the old school
Bam, Cas, Mel lie Mel flash,
Rocks steady spinning on they back
Can’t forget when the first rap Grammy when to Jazzy
Fresh Prince, Fat Boys broke up,
Rap hasnt been the same since
So irregular, how it mess you up when Mr. T became a wrestler
Can’t forget about Jordan’s retirement
The shot Robert Horry hit to win the game in the finals kid
Some things are forever, some things are not
It’s the things we remember that gave the world shock
They stay in a place in your mind so snug
Like who the person was with whom you first made love

When was the last time you heard real anthem?
Nas, the millionaire, the mansion
When was the last time you heard your boy Nas rhyme?
Never on schedule, but always on time.

[Chorus]

These streets hold my deepest days
This hood taught me golden ways
Made me (truly this is what made me)
Break me (not a things gonna break me)
These streets hold my deepest days
This hood taught me golden ways
Made me (truly this is what made me)
Break me (not a things gonna break me)
Oh, I’m that history, I’m that block
I’m that lifestyle, I’m that spot
I’m that kid by the number spot
That’s my past that made me hot
Here’s my lifelong anthem
Can’t forget about you (Can’t forget about you)

[Verse Three]

Unforgettable, UnSubmittable I go by N now, just one syllable
It’s the N cuz' the game tied is the same vibe
Good times had right after James died
That’s why the gangsta rhymers ain’t inspired
Heinous crimes help records sells more than creative lines
And I don’t want to keep bringing up the greater times
But I’m dreamer nostalgic with the state of mind
The past the past, enough of it aight then
Nothing gives me chills like Douglas and Tyson
Or Mike when his talk was live
Or when he first did the moon walk on Motown's 25

When was the last time you heard real anthem?
Nas, the millionaire, the mansion
When was the last time you heard your boy Nas rhyme?
Never on schedule, but always on time.

These streets hold my deepest days
This hood taught me golden ways
Made me (truly this is what made me)
Break me (not a things gonna break me)
These streets hold my deepest days
This hood taught me golden ways
Made me (truly this is what made me)
Break me (not a things gonna break me)

That's why darling it's incredible
That someone so unforgettable
Thinks that I'm unforgettable too

Keane - "Can't Stop Now" Lyrics

Keane has been one of my favourite bands/artists since I was introduced to them a couple of years ago.. not sure if its the simple, melodic nature of their songs (both vocally as well as in instrumentation) or the frank, uninhibited lyrics, or the blend of both, but I often find myself putting on an all-Keane playlist while I work - a sure sign that on one level or another, the music really speaks to me. Tonight, as I reflect on the difficult couple of days I've just gone through, this song speaks to me the most:

I noticed tonight that the world has been turning
While I've been stuck here dithering around
Well I know I said I'd wait around till you need me
But I have to go, I hate to let you down
But I can't stop now
I've got troubles of my own
Cause I'm short on time
I'm lonely
And I'm too tired to talk

I noticed tonight that the world has been turning
While I've been stuck here withering away
Well I know I said I wouldn't leave you behind
But I have to go, it breaks my heart to say

That I can't stop now
I've got troubles of my own
Cause I'm short on time
I'm lonely
And I'm too tired to talk

No one back home
I've got troubles of my own
And I can't slow down
For no one in town
And I can't stop now

And I can't slow down
For no one in town
And I can't stop now
For no one

The motion keeps my heart running
The motion keeps my heart running
The motion keeps my heart running
The motion keeps my heart running

PS. thought I'd add.. a couple of my close friends would give a simpler explanation to why i like Keane's music: I'm "emo" - at least they'd say so.. And there's nothing wrong with being "emo" except that that stereotype definitely doesn't match up with my personality or lifestyle, and my friends don't really get how I came to "be that way" haha.. so, let's just say that at least part of me is "emo" haha, and if it means I'm in tune with my private feelings and am able to embrace them as an individual, I have no qualms with that =)

"You're something beautiful: a contradiction.. I wanna play the game, I want the friction" - Muse, "Time is Running Out"

while this definitely falls into the category of songs you would never expect me to listen to, i can't think of a more fitting soundtrack to my mood right now.. i love the unswerving, unapologetic nature of the lyrics, i love the progressive angst of the vocals, and i absolutely love every part of the instrumentation/production from the drums to the aggressive bass line to the "Radiohead-esque" piano line that creeps in on the breakdown.. without this song i might've gone postal already from the latest ember in glowing disappointment that my last relationship has become.

I think I'm drowning
asphyxiated
I wanna break this spell
that you've created

you're something beautiful
a contradiction
I wanna play the game
I want the friction

you will be the death of me
you will be the death of me

bury it
I won't let you bury it
I won't let you smother it
I won't let you murder it

our time is running out
our time is running out
you can't push it underground
you can't stop it screaming out

I wanted freedom
bound and restricted
I tried to give you up
but I'm addicted

now that you know I'm trapped
sense of elation
you'd never dream of
breaking this fixation

you will squeeze the life out of me

bury it
I won't let you bury it
I won't let you smother it
I won't let you murder it

our time is running out
our time is running out
you can't push it underground
you can't stop it screaming out
how did it come to this?
ooooohh

you will suck the life out of me

bury it
I won't let you bury it
I won't let you smother it
I won't let you murder it

our time is running out
our time is running out
you can't push it underground
you can't stop it screaming out
How did it come to this?
ooooohh

and.. i'll write more of a fitting tribute for a great individual who i really respected when i'm able to sort out my thoughts and feelings properly from everything that has transpired in the past few days.. til then, R.I.P. Ming - thanks for always being one of the genuine good guys; memories live forever, and you won't be forgotten.

Tamia - "The Way I Love You" // 10.18.07 Update

so my cold got worse.. the voice is back, but now it hurts to drink water even, much less talk.. pooey. guess i'm stayin in and bumming around for a few days.. need to catch up on photos from the past weekend anyhow, jus hope i can stay awake for longer than 4-5 hrs at a time tomorrow.. wasn't able to do that today, but i'll be ok soon either way.

also, talked to one of my closest producers a bit today and thought a bit about some of the things i wanted to do for the nex album, so thats always good.. i think when i get back into it full-force, a lot of good things will happen jus coz of how hungry i am about the music again.. on that note, here's the first of several new media-kit photos that we'll be using for my next album:


i like it about as much as i could be expected to like being IN a photo i guess.. we'll see..

anyways, re: the title of the post, my homegirl sent me this song yesterday and its literally been on repeat ever since.. i know the reason she sent it, esp at this particular juncture, but i'm not sure whether its the lyrics itself or the production value thats making me like this song as much as i do.. maybe both? doesn't matter i guess, but this is the 3rd or 4th meaningful song i've heard from Tamia that i've really liked now so i guess i should stop sleeping on her and actually check out an album at some point.. will keep you posted whenever i get a chance, hope you like this:

She cant do what I do to you,
I know she can't love you the way I love you.

Right here looking in your eyes,
Thinking about what we did last night,
& How you suddenly blew my mind,
Your touch to your tender kiss couldn't take you breathing in my ear,
Just being with you made me realize.

[Hook:]
& Everytime I see you baby I fall in love over again,
So proud that you were my man,
& I still can't, can't get you outta my head,
Your all I've ever wanted and you just gotta know that...

[Chorus:]
She cant do the things I do to you,
No one is loving you the way, the way I love you,
She can't be everything you need and what you need is me,
'cause its the way I love you.

The way that I love you,
Love you the way I do,
The way, the way, the way I love you.

When you smile my mind goes spare,
Can't imagine life without you here,
Someway somehow you've completed me,
Thankful you came my way,
What we have cant be replaced,
You make it easy to be in love.

[Hook:]
& Everytime I see you baby I fall in love over again,
So proud that you were my man,
& I still cant, cant get you outta my head,

Your all I've ever wanted and you just gotta know that...

[Chorus:]
She cant do the things I do to you, (She can't)
No one is loving you the way, the way I love you,
She can't be (no baby) everything (every little thing baby) you need and what you need is me,
Coz its the way I love you.

The way that I love you,
Love you the way I do,
The way, the way, the way I love you.

Don't waste your time baby,
You know that your mine baby,
She can't satisfy the way that I do
Cause She can't love you like I do.

[Chorus:]
She cant do the things I do to you,
No one is loving you the way the way I love you,
She can't be (she can never be baby) everything you need (coz she knows that you need me)
and what you need is me,(she can't do what I do)
Coz its the way I love you(it's the way that i love you)

She cant do (oooo) the things I do to you (please listen to me)
No one is loving you the way the way I love you, (the way i love you)
She can't be everything you need and what you (you baby) need is me,
Coz its the way,the way I love you.

The way that I love you,
Love you the way I do,
The way, the way, the way I love you.

The way that I love you,
Love you the way I do,
The way, the way, the way I love you.

"people often warn me that the fame ain't for the faint of heart" - jay-z, "hollywood"

probably my favourite jay-z / beyonce collabo to date, even if it isn't the most popular.. and i probably liked this song a lot more a couple months ago when i first checked the album, but it came on and matched my current frame of mind a little bit.. lyrics to the entire song are listed below.

first i'll write a bit about what's been up of late though.. in short, i've been busy busy busy.. been going through a few changes with a couple of big events coming up, so its been hectic just about every day, working out details/logistics and preparing for things.. a couple of isolated incidents i didn't really need to deal with kinda came up, and i'm a bit disappointed that i will have to deal with them accordingly but in the end it all works out though, even if i'm tired/stressed at this point.. jus gotta keep working hard, and not worry too much about what i can't control.. if one of my secondary hard drives (with a lot of photos & allllllllll of my old recording files) hadn't died earlier tonight, i'd even say that i'm generally happy these days, despite the craziness that is my life..

i've also had the chance to think a little bit ahead lately, so that's been good.. lotta even more ambitious projects are on the horizon for 2008, so the rest of the year's just gonna be about gettin set up for that and tying up loose ends.. not sure if the fact that i haven't been able to stay 200% focused all the time (which i'm usually like) is the problem, or its simply a matter of being too physically tired most of the time.. but, that vacation's still a ways away haha, so its back to work for the time being =)

[Beyonce]
I see your jealousy as you're watching (I see you watching)
You're watching ( It's all good)
It's kinda sexy to me (I Love it)
How you're watching, you're watching
I see your face (i see your face)
You want to touch it (you want to touch it)
Come to my place (come to the crib)
And let's discuss it (let's chop it up)
Tonight you'll be (you 'gon be a superstar baby)
A superstar
Come let me sign you up (let's get into it)

[Chorus]
Ooh it's the lights (you're blinded by the...)
Action! (you need that...)
Hollywood (Uh Uh Uh Uh)
Ooh it's the lights (you're blinded by the...)
Satisfaction (you need that...)
Hollywood (Uh Uh Uh Uh c'mon)

[Verse 1]
Paparazzi spots me in the lobby of my high rise
I hide, behind my shades because the fame is blindin my eyes
My god, I know how Ozzy Oz must have felt when he was As high
Cuz i have g